Reflecting on Cancer

2012 was to be my new awakening; I had planned on changing my life and begin a new. On New Years Eve, I smiled a bit more, believing everything good was to come with the new year; texting everyone on my cell, including Vin. That night cousin Vin went into a coma and a few days later she passed away. I did not know Vin, except for the few times we met, text and emailed. She was a distant cousin that I recently met. We had the same interests and had a few tales that we shared. That was enough to call her friend. We both had been doing family research and I happened upon a site called the Art House Coop. Ravina was her given name, but went by Vin. I tried to contact her through the Art House Coop, not knowing if she still used it. On her profile, she stated that she was diagnosed with cancer and was fighting the battle of her life. I googled her name and found that there was an address for her in Westminster, Colorado. I had no clue if she was at that address or if she had passed. I then wrote a letter, to my delight, I received a response in two days, receiving an email stating that she was living in Colorado, and asked where I was. She also stated that she had many photos of her family line which I could get copies sent to me. I was grateful that she was still alive and in a few communications she told me that she was in remission and was living a vegan life. We soon met.

"I could not believe someone had written me a hand written letter," Vin exclaimed. Not many people use the US Postal Service anymore, especially to write letters. Our meeting was a great day. When I texted Vin, I asked if she and her mom would meet me at the Mexican restaurant on 77th Ave. They both agreed. When I finally made it to the area, Vin texted that her mom was not feeling well and that it would be just herself. I thought that was okay. I did want to meet her mother, but Vin also stated that I could come up to the house to meet her mom. I went to the restaurant and waited until the two arrived. When they walked in, they were astonished to see me. They knew who I was by the way I looked. They said that they thought they had seen a ghost. I guess I resembled her Uncle Norman. When we finished at the restaurant we went back to the house where we sat out on the patio, chatting about photos, family lines, and people I might be interested in talking to. Velma Ruth, Vin's mom, was just as lovely as she could be. When I left the house, Vin said that I had a place to stay if I needed it, and that I was always welcome. A month later, I was working in Denver at a event, selling ice cream. Vin and her friend Debbie came down to the event. I just enjoyed talking about our interests. It was nice to have someone to talk about my hobby. Another month or so, I received word that the cancer had spread.

I needed to search within myself to feel the anguish knowing another family member had cancer. My sister, a few years before, had also been treated for cancer. The long hours we spent in the waiting rooms at the chemo treatment center. My mother would drive my sister to Fort Collins every other week to be injected with the hazardous fluid. The room was filled with men and women from all over the Northern Colorado and Southern Wyoming areas. One patient was only a teen and another was over 90 years old. My mom always stated, why is there so many people with cancer? I really don't know the answer to the question, but many people say it's because of the food we eat, the pesticides on and in the ground, and maybe it's because of cell phones. Vin said she went vegan, for she believed it was in the food. I really don't know. However, if I was diagnosed, I really would not put myself through such misery as chemo.

I recall a statement my grandfather had told my father my years ago, that we were put on this earth to suffer. If this is the case, I don't want to prolong an existence which is riddled with more suffering given by God.

Thinking about life, I wonder, is my life given to me already planned by some mystical god, or am I in control of my own fate. Throughout the years I have tried to make my life go in one direction, however, that road is always blocked. I try to go around, but am never able to get past. Maybe I need to let go of everything and just hide from the world. At times, I seem to be invisible. No one even notices that I exist.

Maybe one day I will be seen.

Reflecting on the past, I can see moments in time that I would like to hide forever in. A time of love: I would like to be on the lake shore in Cheyenne, Wyoming, watching the geese at sunset. A time of prosperity: I would like to be in Lingle, Wyoming, running the newspaper or working at the TV station in Rockford. A time of friendship: I would like to be in Rockford with my friend Sherry, or the day I spent with Vin. These moments in time are locked in my mind, each memory makes me long for those moments. I know I can never go back, but maybe the best is yet to come.